Wednesday came. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want anything metal or non metal sticking me anywhere. I cried on the inside but walked into the doctors office and sat with my grandmother like a G. But, I wasn’t a G at all. Not. At. All.
“Angela Diggs”, called the nurse. Oh my god. That’s MY name! I remember my grandmother just sitting there, fake reading a magazine. She cared or so I told myself she did.
“Blah, blah, blah, blah”, is all I heard the nurse say. And then she uttered the most dreaded words, “the doctor will be in momentarily”. I literally had tears rolling down my face when the doctor came in as I laid back on the table. She sensed my discomfort and how afraid I was of what was to come. “It’s okay Hun, it’ll be quick and easy. This is your first pap smear?” I just nodded, afraid to open my mouth because I knew I would cry. She showed me all of what she would use and thankfully the clamps were plastic. Not that it was much better but metal clamps sounded so gruesome.
As she proceeded to open my legs and talk me through what she was doing, she allowed me to squeeze her jacket if it became unbearable. As soon as she put those plastic clamps in, I screamed a scream that not only made her jump but made the floods of hell pour from my eyes. She took the clamp out, took her gloves off in a hurry, looking terrified herself, and held my hand as I sat up, just crying. “We’re all done Sweetie. It’s over. It’s okay”, she said. I cleaned myself up then joined my grandmother in the waiting room. I wondered if my grandmother heard my screams?
I overheard the doctor assuring my grandmother that there were no signs that I had sex during the time I ran away and she believed I was still a virgin. If only she, too, knew what happened a year prior, she wouldn’t be saying that, although rape and sex are two different things, I’ve learned.
I was so upset when we left. I cried, silently, most of the ride and even sat in the backseat. I just knew this wasn’t my grandmothers idea but because she went along with it, it hurt me so badly. Now as an adult, can I blame her? Eh, I don’t know. But it hurt me nonetheless. A lot. She tried to go past McDonald’s to get me some food to eat but all I got were fries, not my usual Big Mac and McFlurry. I was sad. I was hurt. How could I tell them what happened to me, now? They already thought I ran away to be with some boys but I was literally at Quita’s house, every day while she went to school. She told me some of the rumors she heard but I didn’t want to believe there were actual rumors about me. I was a nobody! Like legit a nobody! Now people knew me, but for all of the wrong reasons.